🕯️ The Grief That Opened the Light
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🕯️ The Grief That Opened the Light
Losing Scott. Finding myself. Becoming the light I never saw in me.
Nothing in this world could have prepared me for losing Scott.
It was Father’s Day—June 18, 2023. A date forever burned into my soul. What was supposed to be a day of love and celebration became the day everything shattered.
The day I lost my person. My soulmate. My everything.
No one saw it coming. Not me. Not our family. Not anyone.
He was strong. Independent. The one who could fix anything. The last person you’d ever expect to take his own life.
And yet—he did.
No one truly knew everything he was suffering with. It was a lot.
He had health problems many didn’t know about. He was on multiple medications—and they changed him. He struggled to find days where he felt “healthy.”
He had suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury) back in 2002, and he always said he hadn’t felt the same since.
He experienced constant vertigo, was always dizzy. He was overworked. Stressed. And more than anything, he just wanted to feel normal.
He started several depression medications (and to be honest, he didn’t always take them regularly like he was supposed to). He was on sleeping pills, too—medications that caused hallucinations. He’d wake up and walk around—mostly to raid the pantry, lol—and not remember any of it the next day.
Eventually, he started having memory issues. I tried to tell him, “We’re 40 now—we all have memory problems!” but that didn’t sit well with him.
He strived so hard to feel healthy and would try anything that might help. That often meant skipping his meds for several days, because they gave him what he called “brain fog.”
He hated that feeling. He used that term constantly.
I would tell him I feel like I live with brain fog daily too, but for him—it felt like it was a major problem and he was deteriorating.
So he’d stop taking everything for a few days, and finally get a bit of clarity... only for the dizziness to come crashing back in and knock him down again for weeks.
It was a battle I knew he was fighting, and I did my best to keep him positive, to help in any way I could.
To make him laugh. To remind him who he was.
But in the end... I truly believe a new medication pushed him even further into that dark place.
He had started a prescription meant to treat early dementia symptoms. And for three solid weeks, he sat on the sofa and didn’t say a single full sentence to any of us.
He was a complete zombie.
It took me a couple more weeks to convince him to call his doctor and explain that the medication wasn’t helping—that it wasn’t the answer.
And he finally did.
He stopped the medicine...
And then, a couple of weeks after that—he was gone.
I never once imagined this outcome. I never knew how deep his dark thoughts were. He kept those to himself.
Almost two years have passed… and I still sit here feeling like he’s just at work. That he’ll walk through the door any minute now.
That somehow, this was all a mistake.
But it wasn’t.
And every time I stop long enough to truly let it hit me… that he’s not coming home... my world goes black. My future goes blank. Because to me, there is no future without him in it.
Scott wasn’t just my partner—he was my soul's reflection.
We've found each other in every lifetime. And this time—this life—was our final round here.
Our hardest test. Our deepest assignment.
And God, sometimes I wonder… why in the hell did we sign up for this?
But I know now.
This was the lifetime I was meant to be stripped bare—grief, heartbreak, trauma—and still rise.
This was the life where I would learn to GLOW from the inside out.
Where I’d remember who I really am…
So I can help others remember who they are.
Scott is still here.
I feel him. I can hear him.
He hasn’t left—not really. We just speak a different language now.
He sends me signs. He whispers love. He shows up when I need him most.
And even though I would give anything to go back and save him…
He’s shown me that I did have the power all along.
He has told me that he wishes he would have thought this through. That he hadn't acted on impulse that day. He never imagined the amount of pain that his passing would cause all of us, but in the moment, he just couldn't see past his own pain. He regrets that day. And he is deeply remorseful. But he is also pain-free. And that alone makes me smile...for him. Because it is so desperately what he was searching for all these years.
I always thought he was my light.
But he always knew the truth: I was the light.
He saw it. Even when I couldn’t.
Now… I know what I came here to do.
No, I’ll never be the same. I’ll always carry this pain. I’ll always be shattered inside.
But within that brokenness is something else: power. Purpose.
A sacred mission.
I’m here to help heal others.
To hold them in their darkest moments.
To help them feel what I needed so badly to feel:
That they are not alone.
I can’t change what happened.
But I can use it to change someone else’s world.
So if you're reading this—if you're in your own darkness—hear me when I say:
You don’t have to stay there.
You came here to shine.
Things will get better for you and there is always another way.
✨ Ignite your SPARK.
✨ Embrace your LIGHT.
✨ Heal your SOUL.
And if no one’s told you today—
I see you. I love you. And I’m here to help you remember who you are.
5 comments
Finding your videos, and by extention your site, has literally changed my life.
I married a monster when I was 20 years old, basically a kid, and he hid it so well for a while, we had 5 amazing, beautiful, sweet, perfect babies together. Unfortunately, right before the 5th was born, my world imploded when CPS got wind that he was hurting the kids whenever I wasn’t around, and instead of warning me and giving me a chance to get rid of him or get my kids away from him, they showed up with a court order and took them from me. Once I read all the paperwork and found out what had been going on, I put my own life in jeopardy to get rid of him; he held me hostage at gunpoint for 12 hours that night before a friend showed up, distracted him, and gave me a chance to slip out the door at 3 am and go to a friend’s where I would be safe until I could get him out of my house.
Once he was gone, I went home and proceeded to jump through every hoop CPS asked me to, and then some, but it was already too late; the rich, well known, well liked foster family had already fallen in love with my sweet, beautiful babies, and were determined to do everything they could to ensure I never got them back. Thanks to some severe corruption in my county, my own lawyer taking bribes, and possibly the family court judge as well, my rights were terminated in February 2024, despite me having NEVER abused my children and having done everything to get rid of the abuser once I knew.. and it broke me. Once I knew I was never gonna see them again, I fell off the wagon, and if it wasn’t for my now fiance, back then just close friend, I probably would have ODed or ended up in prison in no time. This time of year is so hard for me, not only is it the anniversary of when they terminated my rights, but February 26th was the day I stupidly married the man in the first place; and there are 5 more months of birthdays I don’t get to be a part of that are incredibly hard for me to breathe through as well. Finding you, watching your videos, getting my reading, and having my intention jars on the way have all brought me more joy in a couple of weeks than I’ve collectively felt in the last 2 years.
Your story brings tears to my eyes; I know how close I was to taking that same path, and it’s honestly a miracle I’m still here today.
Thank you for being a light in an otherwise terribly dark world. I’m so glad I found you. ❤️
Like many others, I have watched so many of your videos, almost as if I was being drawn to them. Now I understand why — your voice and spirit are truly healing.
Life has not been easy for me. I have always felt like the black sheep of my family, treated differently and often made to feel less than. Everything came to a head on October 23, 2015, when my son decided to leave and move in with my mother. He was struggling with emotional outbursts, and we were clashing — me a Taurus, him a Pisces. What I did not know at the time was that he and my mother had been planning this for years. She had filled his head with lies and mistruths.
I will never forget her words that day: “That’s right, I won. You lost. He’s mine. F*** you.” And then she hung up.
We had very little contact after that. Earlier this year, when her partner — my second mom — was diagnosed with terminal cancer, they suddenly wanted me to be part of the family again. Yet my son still will not speak to me or see me.
Some of this traces back to my marriage. My husband is my high school sweetheart. We broke up in 1990 and found our way back to each other in 2007 after our two children became friends. My mother never liked him because he gave me the strength and backbone to stand up to her. Right before the estrangement, my son had actually asked my husband to formally adopt him, since his biological father was not part of his life. A week later, my world exploded.
I went to a very dark place, but thankfully I found my way through it — though not without more challenges. In 2019, my husband was in a serious car accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury as well. A TBI changes a person; they are never quite the same. We continue to fight for our marriage because we know we are meant to be together. Still, there are days when I feel so overwhelmed that I just want to run away.
Reading your story and blogs and listening to your video shows me there is more to all this and that there is a true purpose behind it all whether we like it or not.
I also hope you continue to heal, sending you all the positive vibes and energy. Thank you for all you do.
I can’t wait to order once you open again and see what kind of “energy” you pick up from me!
I came across your FB videos a little over a week ago, just scrolling kind of mindlessly and I’ve been hooked since. I really like your videos and how they show an unfiltered, unpolished picture of a small business that is growing. I am so excited to place a scoop order soon and as I’m scrolling through the website I see a few other items of interest. No such thing as coincidence and I’m happy to be here.
Ashley I gravitated towards you as soon as I watched your scoop video. I had no idea who or what you were about. I’ve watched thousands of scoop videos and have never commented on not one until yours and now I know why. I too have experienced such traumatic lose when my father took his life and then I lost my mother to cancer 7 months later. I never thought I would survive without them they were and are my everything. But I have made it 8 years and 7 years without them. I have a daughter and 2 granddaughters that are my everything. I believe in everything you do and I know they are with me. I could go on and on but I felt the need to just reach out because it was just so obvious there was a connection. I hope you continue to heal and I’m sending you all the positive vibes and energy and thank you for your time. I really enjoy your videos. I can’t wait for my order to see what kind of “energy” you get from me!!! Take care!!
This blog grabbed me by my throat… for multiple reasons..
I have been struggling with my mental health as long as I can remember. Living in Belgium and growing up in west flanders did not help that.. In Belgium everything that can not be seen is tend to be ignored or put off as over exaggerating (mental aa well as physical issues) combine that with a mentality in W-Fl of: work is life. Being sick is not an excuse not to work,.. basically work until you drop dead (metaphorically, since they don’t let it come that far, but the margin between is really small) .. my mom also does not believe in things as adhd autism etc (or at least did not, really does try to understand it now; I will be 34 on the 15th of march) ..
I was always the overthinker, the one who was too sensitive, too much, just had to try harder, …
I became a mom at 27 with my lovely husband (26 then) of a beautiful boy who has a severe disability. Cause; sad coincidences that impacted each other. Born 7 weeks early but without medical issues.. his dad has autism (wich I knew, so we knew there was a chance he would also have autism) ..
But he has brain damage where the cause is mostly a guess.. so diagnosed with cp when 1 yr old. He also got diagnosed with autism at 4yrs old.. He is wheelchair bound can not walk or crawl or sit independently.. but mentally he keeps learning more and more he can talk sentences that blow us away. where we did not even dream he would say more than loose words.. he can eat not completely mixed but also not firm foods.. but most importantly no tube feeding! And so on and on..
Genetics brought a gen mutation on the foreground but this is a mutation that he did not inherit and where there is no exact disease or such linked too yet (does cause learning difficulties and changes in how the brain is formed. That second part is only small with him).. But because off my son I started to learn thing about myself, because i kept crashing again and again.. got diagnosed as depressed, anxiety disorder etc.. turns out I have ADHD combined version whereas I fiest got diagnosed with ADD.. also have complex ptsd.. and a bunch of physical issues because my whole life everything was put off as: it’s hormones, it’s your weight, your condition → although cardiac test proved that wrong. Now the physical health issues keep piling up, just as the amount of meds.. and that part really scared me. Cause what I read felt like how I have been feeling for the last 1,5 year.
But we live in Belgium and are supposed to have one of the best care systems there are… and true we cant complain, but it aint great either.. my son has a right to a budget for personal assistance since august 2021, this right was approved by the government. But came together with a letter that there currently is no money so he wad put on the waiting list, and still is on it… because both my husband and I don’t really have a village to count on (can’t find another way to describe it) we just kept going and fixing everything on our own (without drivers licenses ..) and it caught up with my body.. that now crashed.. and again zero help, cause hypermobility disorder is not severe according to our government same as having spasms cause of hyperventilating syndrome (I don’t know the correct English term).. adhd you can not have as grown up (although i only got diagnosed at 31..) so no help there..
My husband and Son are my main reason to keep going, and reading what u went through makes the urge to keep holding on even bigger.
But this blog really got to me.. sorry for the extreme long answer (that is probably super incoherent, i just felt like i needed to share it)