🕯️ The Grief That Opened the Light
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🕯️ The Grief That Opened the Light
Losing Scott. Finding myself. Becoming the light I never saw in me.
Nothing in this world could have prepared me for losing Scott.
It was Father’s Day—June 18, 2023. A date forever burned into my soul. What was supposed to be a day of love and celebration became the day everything shattered.
The day I lost my person. My soulmate. My everything.
No one saw it coming. Not me. Not our family. Not anyone.
He was strong. Independent. The one who could fix anything. The last person you’d ever expect to take his own life.
And yet—he did.
No one truly knew everything he was suffering with. It was a lot.
He had health problems many didn’t know about. He was on multiple medications—and they changed him. He struggled to find days where he felt “healthy.”
He had suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury) back in 2002, and he always said he hadn’t felt the same since.
He experienced constant vertigo, was always dizzy. He was overworked. Stressed. And more than anything, he just wanted to feel normal.
He started several depression medications (and to be honest, he didn’t always take them regularly like he was supposed to). He was on sleeping pills, too—medications that caused hallucinations. He’d wake up and walk around—mostly to raid the pantry, lol—and not remember any of it the next day.
Eventually, he started having memory issues. I tried to tell him, “We’re 40 now—we all have memory problems!” but that didn’t sit well with him.
He strived so hard to feel healthy and would try anything that might help. That often meant skipping his meds for several days, because they gave him what he called “brain fog.”
He hated that feeling. He used that term constantly.
I would tell him I feel like I live with brain fog daily too, but for him—it felt like it was a major problem and he was deteriorating.
So he’d stop taking everything for a few days, and finally get a bit of clarity... only for the dizziness to come crashing back in and knock him down again for weeks.
It was a battle I knew he was fighting, and I did my best to keep him positive, to help in any way I could.
To make him laugh. To remind him who he was.
But in the end... I truly believe a new medication pushed him even further into that dark place.
He had started a prescription meant to treat early dementia symptoms. And for three solid weeks, he sat on the sofa and didn’t say a single full sentence to any of us.
He was a complete zombie.
It took me a couple more weeks to convince him to call his doctor and explain that the medication wasn’t helping—that it wasn’t the answer.
And he finally did.
He stopped the medicine...
And then, a couple of weeks after that—he was gone.
I never once imagined this outcome. I never knew how deep his dark thoughts were. He kept those to himself.
Almost two years have passed… and I still sit here feeling like he’s just at work. That he’ll walk through the door any minute now.
That somehow, this was all a mistake.
But it wasn’t.
And every time I stop long enough to truly let it hit me… that he’s not coming home... my world goes black. My future goes blank. Because to me, there is no future without him in it.
Scott wasn’t just my partner—he was my soul's reflection.
We've found each other in every lifetime. And this time—this life—was our final round here.
Our hardest test. Our deepest assignment.
And God, sometimes I wonder… why in the hell did we sign up for this?
But I know now.
This was the lifetime I was meant to be stripped bare—grief, heartbreak, trauma—and still rise.
This was the life where I would learn to GLOW from the inside out.
Where I’d remember who I really am…
So I can help others remember who they are.
Scott is still here.
I feel him. I can hear him.
He hasn’t left—not really. We just speak a different language now.
He sends me signs. He whispers love. He shows up when I need him most.
And even though I would give anything to go back and save him…
He’s shown me that I did have the power all along.
He has told me that he wishes he would have thought this through. That he hadn't acted on impulse that day. He never imagined the amount of pain that his passing would cause all of us, but in the moment, he just couldn't see past his own pain. He regrets that day. And he is deeply remorseful. But he is also pain-free. And that alone makes me smile...for him. Because it is so desperately what he was searching for all these years.
I always thought he was my light.
But he always knew the truth: I was the light.
He saw it. Even when I couldn’t.
Now… I know what I came here to do.
No, I’ll never be the same. I’ll always carry this pain. I’ll always be shattered inside.
But within that brokenness is something else: power. Purpose.
A sacred mission.
I’m here to help heal others.
To hold them in their darkest moments.
To help them feel what I needed so badly to feel:
That they are not alone.
I can’t change what happened.
But I can use it to change someone else’s world.
So if you're reading this—if you're in your own darkness—hear me when I say:
You don’t have to stay there.
You came here to shine.
Things will get better for you and there is always another way.
✨ Ignite your SPARK.
✨ Embrace your LIGHT.
✨ Heal your SOUL.
And if no one’s told you today—
I see you. I love you. And I’m here to help you remember who you are.
35 comments
Hi Ashely,
Reading your story brought back so many feelings for me. I am truly sorry you and your family had to go through that. I love watching your videos, especially when I’m having a day that isn’t quite the way I hoped it would be. I suffer from mental illness myself, I was diagnosed with PTSD, MDD, depression, anxiety and panic disorder. All of which go back to my time in the military. I tried taking my own life twice, but God had other plans I guess. I am a child of suicide. My dad took his life in 1996, 1 week before his 42nd birthday. It hit me like a ton of bricks. No one knew what he was going through, he didn’t share those feelings. I am his only child and I was in the military, on the other side of the country, when my mom called me and told me he was gone. He was going through a divorce from his second wife, he was an alcoholic and drug addict, thanks to the Vietnam war, he received an other than honorable discharge due to the addiction and suffered terribly with things he had to do and see while serving in Vietnam. He couldn’t get any help from the military, because of the type of discharge he received and no one understood his pain. One day he was here and the next day he was gone. I was able to spend time with him when I went home on leave in 1995 and he got to see his only grandchildren for the first and last time. I remember him holding my 3 month old daughter and saying, “I remember holding you when you were this little.” I always carry those words in my heart. My kids are in their early 30s now and never got to know him, but I’m sure he’s watching over them. Losing someone, no matter the someone, and no matter the reason, is something we carry forever, but it doesn’t have to dictate our life. I’m so grateful for the people in my life, as I know you are. We take the love they give us and push forward. It’s all we can do, while trying to remember who we are and that we still matter. You are inspiring, funny, loved and strong, never forget who you are!
Hi Ashley, I’m so sorry to read of your husbands passing. Grief is hard to live with. You are a strong and amazing woman. I’m drawn to your videos and feel a kind of calmness watching them. I lost my sister February 15, 2021 to covid. She was my baby sister, 6 years younger than me. We were very close. We look alike and sound alike as well. Her daughter and husband often have a hard time being around me because they forget for a second she’s gone. Even though its been 5 years the pain is still there. I think I’ve just learned to live with it. I feel an emptiness and at the same time I feel like she is around. Just little things make me believe she’s still here but I cant see her. I never got to say goodbye to her. I want to talk to her tell her about her daughter. And her daughter, I hurt for her because she is an only child and lives with her dad. She has had to grow up not knowing the feeling of being loved by your mom. She tells me sometimes she cant even remember what her mom was like. Then other times she tells me I remember when my mom would do this or that. I try to be there for her, but she pushes me away. So, I give her space. I have so much to say so much pain to vomit, but I dont know how to say it and at times what to say, so I sit with it and cry. Thank you Ashley for being a voice, a safe space, a light for us.
June 18, 2023, June 18, 2016, sweet Ashley, there is 7 years between the two dates but our sudden and tragic loss is shared. I don’t know how I didn’t know this sooner, as I have been to this blog before and posted a comment somewhere. This is the date that my 21 year old son passed in a car accident. We live in Oregon near Salem and he was headed up the I-5 interstate to meet up with the girls of the high school soft ball team the he helped coach. His car plowed into the overpass and he died instantly. I was a million miles away in Idaho visiting family, and at that time about to get on a jet boat in the Snake River canyon. When we arrived they asked our names and they told us they had a message from Angela (my sister) and it was that we needed to go home immediately. I instantly knew it was bad, but thought it was about my mom who had been battling breast cancer. I was with my boyfriend at the time and we headed back, I think it was an hour and half drive back through the treacherous winding road of the canyon. No cell service, nothing until we got back to my Dad and Stepmom’s place where they and my brother were waiting to tell me what had happened. When we arrived they all met us on the porch and ushered me inside. My Dad gave me the news. He said “it’s Brandon, he’s gone, there was an accident” and that is probably not even the words he used, as everything is a blur. Next I remember dropping to the floor while crying over and over lying on my stomach face buried in my arms, “no, no, no!!” Was all I could say, I couldn’t move, couldn’t get up, I refused to believe it. My boyfriend had to pick me up off the floor and put me on the couch where my dad held me. He packed our things and we drove back to Oregon, heading to my moms house where my other son, just barely 18, and the rest of my family was waiting for me. That was the longest 9 hour trip of my life. I couldn’t be left alone, every time we stopped and my bf left me in the car all I did was cry and watch out the window for him to come back. Everything from back then is a blur and snapshots of small memories of what happens after such a nightmare. My sons name is Brandon, and even though he is gone, I don’t typically use references to him or about him in the “past tense”. He “was” a living physical body being on this earth at one time, but he “is” my son, one of the lights of my life, my biggest supporter, the one that loves me the most. The one that still makes me laugh, always did, the jokester, life of the party, best friend to many, kids flocked to him, so did animals. He loved both kids and animals so much. He loved music and belting out the words to his favorite songs, dancing here and there. I somehow always knew I would “lose” him, I hate using that word because he’s not “lost”, I didn’t misplace him, and he’s not coming back. To me that’s the definition of “lost”. I always knew, but didn’t really know. I always worried about him, especially after he started driving, some say I was just being a “mom” but it was more than that and they will never understand. Years later one of his best friends came to me, oddly enough, just days before my mom passed away in 2020. She said she had been to a psychic and she had messages for me. All that she told me is a blur and almost lost from my memory, but the biggest impact was this. She told me the psychic said my son was not meant for this world, that he was angel that somehow got stuck in that body, and obviously was taken back. She told me many other things, and of course it all made sense or almost did. She said Brandon told her to tell me that “all the plans are made and they are waiting”. Cassie didn’t know my mom was on the verge of passing, she was just giving me the messages. I think it was 3 days later my mom was gone. What Cassie told me that day brought me peace and clarity, it definitely helped. I have to admit that I asked myself “why me? Why did I have to be the the one to give birth to the Angel that wasn’t supposed to be here?” The only answer I had was because I am strong enough to handle it and get through it, although it never ends and I will always be “getting through” it. My other son Ben, was the first one to be told of his brothers death, the police couldn’t find me as I was in Idaho. He was barely 18,just a baby to get such horrible news, his best friend and big brother, the one who protected and watched out for him had died. He told the cops they were lying and to “ get the f*ck out of there” poor kid, thankfully he was with his girlfriend and her family. Both Ben and I have struggled and gone through some bad times since then, but the last couple of years have brought us home. We are doing good, building and starting new lives. Always missing Brandon, wishing he was here, but knowing he always is because he shows us all the time. You wouldn’t believe the signs we have received!!! Thank you for being you Ashley, for sharing with us, for helping us all heal, for letting us share with you. As one person said in another post “now I know why I am drawn to you”. We share the same date. Sending much love and hugs. Cindy Sparks
Ashley,
Reading through the comments here, it’s so clear how many lives you touch, and I wanted to add my voice to them. I started watching your videos recently, and something about you instantly resonated with me on a deeply personal level.
I think sometimes, when you’ve experienced severe trauma and deep pain, you can just sense that shared understanding in someone else without them even having to say it. Watching you navigate life and continue to put yourself out there gives me a kind of hope that’s hard to articulate. You don’t just make great content; you provide a sense of companionship for those of us who are also trying to heal from our own heavy pasts.
Please know that what you do matters so much, and your presence is a gift to those of us watching. Thank you for your strength and for just being who you are.
Ashley, this is the first time I have actually sat down to read what you went threw. I hear what you are saying, and its hitting home. I am suffering from the first stages of Parkinsons. I am going threw everything right now, to find the correct medications so I can continue to have somewhat normal life. And what you wrote, about Scott hits home. I have thought about what I am sure Scott thought about, and did. But, then I think, I can not leave my family, my Husband of 30 years or our adopted daughter. I suffer some with depression, but it has not gotten to the point where I have acted on any thoughts. I am trying to find somethings to raise me up and make sense of what I am going through and started seeing these Scoop shops on Facebook. I watch your videos and love your upbeat personality. Have thought about even doing a scoop shop myself, once it gets to the point I cannot use my hands anymore, or to a point that my shaking effects my work. So far, typing has not gotten hard for me to do, but writing is tough, even tho I love to write in my journal, I continue to do that, tho my Dr. tells me not to, that’s something I don’t want to give up. I love watching you and Amy, and all the banter that goes back and forth between you two and your daughter (I see your daughter and my daughter being so alike, even tho mines only 11 right now). So, my joy right now in life is to watch the scoop shops, order when I see something I love, and get myself out of my funks. I love all the gorgeous items people are getting, and how, one day (in about 3 months I am guessing or later or sooner, lol) I will see my video and know my uplifting box will be on my doorstep. Please know you are doing something that is uplifting alot of people and brightening people’s days, you brighten mine every morning when I get on and watch your videos. Take care and get some rest.
Sharon M
Nebraska