Whirlwind

It’s been a while since I wrote here.
Maybe because I’ve been too busy.
Or maybe I’ve been avoiding sitting down and having another one of these painful, honest sessions with myself.

Or maybe… I just needed this release.
Because my emotions lately? They are everywhere.

Sadness, envy, pain, depression, anxiety… love… happiness.

Happiness.

Haha.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully feel that one again the way I used to.

But lately… it’s been trying. It’s been pushing through in little moments, like it’s knocking on the door and waiting to see if I’ll let it in.

And the craziest part? I have no idea how any of this is happening.

Actually… that’s not true.

I do.

It’s Scott.

Starting Emberlight Haven last year happened so fast it doesn’t even feel real. I am not someone who just does things. I overthink. I procrastinate. I sit on ideas until they die.

So how did I build a website? How did I come up with everything to put on it? What made me fall in love with crystals? How am I able to read people the way I do? How do I just know things without knowing how I know them?

I have a million questions.
But every single one of them has the same answer.

Scott.

Because in the beginning… it was nothing. I spent months building this site. Hours and hours and hours. Writing descriptions. Creating products. Making jars. Posting content.

And nothing happened.
Not one order. Not one person buying anything. Just my family—and I wouldn’t even let them pay.

I felt ridiculous.
Embarrassed.
Like people were probably watching and thinking, what is she even doing? I wanted to quit so many times. And honestly… I did. In my head, at least.

And then one day, I saw a scoop video.
Just one. And I was hooked. It was cute. It was fun. I found myself watching more and more.
And then I started buying little things… notebooks, hair accessories… random stuff. I didn’t even know why. I just kept thinking… this looks fun… I could do that.

But here’s the thing—that wasn’t me.

Because if it was, I would’ve sat on it. Thought about it. Overthought it. Watched videos for six months and called it a “dream.”

Instead… I just started.

And that’s when I know Scott stepped in.

Because suddenly, things were just… happening. I was ordering boxes and boxes of items and hundreds of charms just to get duplicates. Sitting at the table for 10 hours a day sorting them.Testing scoops. Balancing categories. Counting and recounting.

Thirty different spoons. Multiple jars. Everything had to feel right. My Virgo brain had taken over and in full control.

And then one day, I looked around the room… and it was all there. Bins. Setup. Systems.

And I had been having fun.

Actual FUN.

And then Rissa sat down and said, “Stop. Stop playing with the charms. Just do it.”

My little Sacral Generator. She can just go.

Me? I’m a Mental Projector.
I don’t have that kind of energy. I burn out. I need rest. I think. I need hours sometimes days to refuel.

(Small Human Design lesson there.)☺️

But I listened to her. And Kyleigh—my sweet Kyleigh—placed the first order.

And I didn’t even want to take her money.
But I did her order. My first scoop. My first video.

And then her mom ordered. Then a friend.
Then a few more. Slow… but moving.

And then something shifted. I don’t even know when or how… but suddenly, there were orders.

And I panicked. Like full panic. What am I doing? This is dumb.

People are going to laugh at me. The videos weren’t perfect. The angle was wrong. The dogs were barking. Nothing looked like the “professional” scoop videos I had watched.

And people told me that. They commented on everything I was doing wrong.

And for a while… it got to me.

But then something changed in me. I got tired. Not just physically… but mentally tired of trying to be perfect.  Cuz seriously, when has my life ever been perfect? So I stopped caring  

I left the barking.
I left the chaos.
I left the imperfect angles.
And I just… showed up as I am. — and mostly still cuz I just didnt know how to edit videos anyway and it is too time consuming to keep trying. 

And that’s when everything changed.
Not overnight… but fast.

Orders picked up. People came back and ordered again.  

And then Facebook exploded. From 40 followers… to 20,000 in a matter of days.

People found my story. (Which is a little hard to do…this blog is in a quiet little corner on my site.)

And suddenly, the comments weren’t about what I was doing wrong. They were about my voice.

MY VOICE.

People said it calmed them. 
Helped their anxiety. 
Eased their own grief. 

And that… I still don’t fully understand.

Because I’m just talking.  Rambling, actually —and to myself at that  lol. 

But somehow… it’s helping people.  And that’s the part that gets me.

 

Because for the first time since losing Scott…I feel like I’m doing something that matters.

And then today happened.

 

 

March 25th/26th.

His birthday.
My daughter’s birthday.  
The day they’ve always celebrated together.

I was opening boxes tonight and found another gift.

And I still don’t understand that either. Why people send me things. Why they spend their money on me. It doesn’t make sense to me.

But this one…This one broke me.

 

It was a suncatcher.
With a cardinal. And a note about how cardinals represent loved ones being near.

 

And I lost it. I sat on the floor and cried for two hours. Because everything I’ve been too busy to feel… hit me all at once.

 

Joy… that I’m helping people.

 

 

Grief… so deep it feels endless.

And then something else.

Remorse….

But not mine…

 

HIS.

And it crushed me. Because I’ve felt it before. Right after he passed. That deep, soul-level pain that wasn’t mine—but I tried to carry it anyway.

Because I don’t want him to hurt. He’s supposed to be in a “better place”.

But here we both are. Both in pain. Two souls — still so close in proximity — but separated on different astral planes, that it has shattered us both.

Because to us… this isn’t better.

There is no “better place” without each other.

We’ve been together since we were 18.
We never spent more than a week apart.
Even when we fought… we couldn’t stay away from each other. I could be furious… and still be laying next to him, touching him—even if it was just my toe.

Because we knew being apart was always worse.

Always.

And now…

 

 

I’m here.
With a bird. 
With numbers. 
With signs.

And I’m angry.
I don’t want signs.
I don’t want symbolism.

I want him.

I want to lay next to him. Talk to him. Touch him.

And I can’t.

This grief. Some say it come in waves. To me…It is the entire ocean taking over the land.

And it will pull you under when you least expect it.

But somewhere in all of this… there’s something else.

A realization.

Maybe… this is how he shows he loves me now. 
Through all of you.
Through all of your messages.
Your sweet comments.
Your thoughtful gifts.

Your support.

What if he’s sending me all his love through hundreds—thousands—of people….through YOU…

And what I’m sending that love and healing back to him… through my voice helping you.

And that…THAT is something I can’t even put into words.

It’s overwhelming. It’s beautiful. It’s magical. And It’s heartbreaking. All at the same time.

But still…

 

 

I’d give it all up.

Every order.
Every kind comment. 
Every moment of helping others.

I think I would be selfish and give it all up even for just one more moment with him.

And that’s another side of grief….the anger, the hopelessness, the envy of watching other happy couples and families have what you had- before it was taken from you.

Your Life ripped to shreds in a split second. Without a choice. Seeing all the plans we had vanish into thin air. 

Knowing the still major and important milestones ahead that I now have to endure alone…our kids graduating college, getting married, having our grandbabies…all of that….all of those what should be “joyous moments” will be tainted. Those moments will arrive, but with a giant aching hole of where you should be. 

 

So if this feels like a mess… it is.

Because I am.

But I needed to say this.

To all of you…to Scott 

Thank you.

 

 

To every single one of you who sends love in any form—messages, comments, gifts… all of it.

It is deeply felt.
It is cherished and treasured.
More than you will ever know.

And to my family…My sister for stepping in and holding everything together. My kids for living in absolute chaos with me. My dad for always showing up. My mom, my brother, everyone who helps in ways big and small.

I couldn’t do any of this without you.

And Scott…
I know this is you.
I know you’re behind all of it.

Trying to give me some kind of happiness… in the only way you can.

And I am trying. But even every happy moment still carries heartbreak…
Because I just can’t share it with you.

And maybe that’s what I’m learning… not how to “move on,” because I never will—but how to carry both at the same time.

The love and the loss.  
The laughter and the ache.  
The moments where I feel something close to happiness… and the part of me that immediately reaches for you to share it, only to remember I can’t.

Maybe this life now isn’t about choosing one or the other… maybe it’s about learning how to live in the middle of both without letting either one completely take me under.

So I’ll keep showing up. Messy. Imperfect. Dogs barking, angles off, emotions all over the place. 

 I’ll keep talking, even if I don’t fully understand why my voice reaches people the way it does.

I’ll keep building this thing that somehow became so much bigger than me.

And I’ll keep loving you… in every quiet moment, in every breakdown, in every tiny piece of light that tries to break through the dark.

Because if this is how we stay connected now—through love, through people, through something I can’t explain—then I’m not letting go of that.

Not ever.