🕯️ The Grief That Opened the Light
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🕯️ The Grief That Opened the Light
Losing Scott. Finding myself. Becoming the light I never saw in me.
Nothing in this world could have prepared me for losing Scott.
It was Father’s Day—June 18, 2023. A date forever burned into my soul. What was supposed to be a day of love and celebration became the day everything shattered.
The day I lost my person. My soulmate. My everything.
No one saw it coming. Not me. Not our family. Not anyone.
He was strong. Independent. The one who could fix anything. The last person you’d ever expect to take his own life.
And yet—he did.
No one truly knew everything he was suffering with. It was a lot.
He had health problems many didn’t know about. He was on multiple medications—and they changed him. He struggled to find days where he felt “healthy.”
He had suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury) back in 2002, and he always said he hadn’t felt the same since.
He experienced constant vertigo, was always dizzy. He was overworked. Stressed. And more than anything, he just wanted to feel normal.
He started several depression medications (and to be honest, he didn’t always take them regularly like he was supposed to). He was on sleeping pills, too—medications that caused hallucinations. He’d wake up and walk around—mostly to raid the pantry, lol—and not remember any of it the next day.
Eventually, he started having memory issues. I tried to tell him, “We’re 40 now—we all have memory problems!” but that didn’t sit well with him.
He strived so hard to feel healthy and would try anything that might help. That often meant skipping his meds for several days, because they gave him what he called “brain fog.”
He hated that feeling. He used that term constantly.
I would tell him I feel like I live with brain fog daily too, but for him—it felt like it was a major problem and he was deteriorating.
So he’d stop taking everything for a few days, and finally get a bit of clarity... only for the dizziness to come crashing back in and knock him down again for weeks.
It was a battle I knew he was fighting, and I did my best to keep him positive, to help in any way I could.
To make him laugh. To remind him who he was.
But in the end... I truly believe a new medication pushed him even further into that dark place.
He had started a prescription meant to treat early dementia symptoms. And for three solid weeks, he sat on the sofa and didn’t say a single full sentence to any of us.
He was a complete zombie.
It took me a couple more weeks to convince him to call his doctor and explain that the medication wasn’t helping—that it wasn’t the answer.
And he finally did.
He stopped the medicine...
And then, a couple of weeks after that—he was gone.
I never once imagined this outcome. I never knew how deep his dark thoughts were. He kept those to himself.
Almost two years have passed… and I still sit here feeling like he’s just at work. That he’ll walk through the door any minute now.
That somehow, this was all a mistake.
But it wasn’t.
And every time I stop long enough to truly let it hit me… that he’s not coming home... my world goes black. My future goes blank. Because to me, there is no future without him in it.
Scott wasn’t just my partner—he was my soul's reflection.
We've found each other in every lifetime. And this time—this life—was our final round here.
Our hardest test. Our deepest assignment.
And God, sometimes I wonder… why in the hell did we sign up for this?
But I know now.
This was the lifetime I was meant to be stripped bare—grief, heartbreak, trauma—and still rise.
This was the life where I would learn to GLOW from the inside out.
Where I’d remember who I really am…
So I can help others remember who they are.
Scott is still here.
I feel him. I can hear him.
He hasn’t left—not really. We just speak a different language now.
He sends me signs. He whispers love. He shows up when I need him most.
And even though I would give anything to go back and save him…
He’s shown me that I did have the power all along.
He has told me that he wishes he would have thought this through. That he hadn't acted on impulse that day. He never imagined the amount of pain that his passing would cause all of us, but in the moment, he just couldn't see past his own pain. He regrets that day. And he is deeply remorseful. But he is also pain-free. And that alone makes me smile...for him. Because it is so desperately what he was searching for all these years.
I always thought he was my light.
But he always knew the truth: I was the light.
He saw it. Even when I couldn’t.
Now… I know what I came here to do.
No, I’ll never be the same. I’ll always carry this pain. I’ll always be shattered inside.
But within that brokenness is something else: power. Purpose.
A sacred mission.
I’m here to help heal others.
To hold them in their darkest moments.
To help them feel what I needed so badly to feel:
That they are not alone.
I can’t change what happened.
But I can use it to change someone else’s world.
So if you're reading this—if you're in your own darkness—hear me when I say:
You don’t have to stay there.
You came here to shine.
Things will get better for you and there is always another way.
✨ Ignite your SPARK.
✨ Embrace your LIGHT.
✨ Heal your SOUL.
And if no one’s told you today—
I see you. I love you. And I’m here to help you remember who you are.
34 comments
Thank you for sharing a piece of you with us. I came to this blog while watching you shine your light in your scoop videos. Your energy shines through. Isn’t it the irony that the loss of a loved one is when we really see our light shine? I lost my dad in 2015 and he was tough but also a cheerleader. It wasn’t until after a few years that I realized he saw me always. I always tell people that there’s a hole in my heart where my dad used to be, the only difference is now I learned to grow around that hole and keep going. I always abide by Marianne Williamson: " It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you."
Oddly enough I did all this backwards or did It all happen exactly the way it was supposed to unfold? Lol. U see i came across your scoop videos by happenstance and felt drawn to you.. was it your voice, was it a connection, was it the fascination of the way you did the orders and magically seemed to pick each item exactly perfect? Fast forward after watching at least 100 videos, which I look for daily now, I happened to read your blog about YOU, your life and Scott! Now it all comes together for me, cause I too was suicidal but God saved me in the knick of time, a miracle, a divine intervention! I guess cuz he has more for me to do to tell my story and to help others ! He saved my life. I know this doesn’t really resonate with you because your beautiful soul mate Scott is gone but you see this made me realize that that could of been me but im living life now grateful and your story makes me want to live even better, brighter and shine my light earn more! My deepest and truest condolences on your loss but thank you for sharing and just know youve helped me today tommorow and always! I will live in the light and not in the darkness! Im a recovering addict of 25 years. I just celebrated 3 years and 10 months clean, I didn’t die when I tried to take my life because God had other plans for me! Not i live Recovery outloud in hopes to help others realize they too, can live and not die!
Ashley-
I never knew your story until I stumbled on your website after watching multiple videos- I agree with all the other sentiments- you draw people in. Whether it’s for a chuckle or a spark- you have a light shining for all the world to see. I’ve lost my parents, grandparents and aunts- all before I was 45. I work as a hospice nurse full time and deal with death and dying daily- you brought a light into my days with your videos and your story. I’ve been pondering what to write for several years weeks now and just felt the need to let you know how much joy you bring to others. I’m so sorry for your loss and no, it is never something you “get over”- you just take it one day, hour or minute at a time and some days it all hits you and you just have to cry. My mom’s death hit me the hardest- although I was a daddy’s girl. His was expected (cancer), hers was not (sudden massive stroke with CPR performed). I had to tel them to stop life saving interventions as they had worked for over an hour on her with no signs of anything- I knew she wasn’t there anymore and I knew the right thing to do but I still grapple with that decision often. It’s like a burr that just burrows under your skin and every so often it comes to the surface to rear it’s ugly head. I’ve learned the hard way not to live in the past but to be happy she isn’t hurting anymore (she had Multiple Sclerosis) and she is with my daddy again- the only place she wanted to be after he passed. With my daily job as a hospice nurse, I have to be the strong one and be there for my patients and families but that doesn’t mean that as an empath, I don’t bring everything home with me. I’ve learned that writing helps me to “set it down” so things don’t keep running on wheels in my mind and its helping more than I ever thought. You have a great support system within your family and your fur babies- and now with your “fans” and supporters through your videos. Keep shining, Ashley- your story isn’t finished yet 💜
I never knew you had written about your life until I seen a post your sister made to check all this out. I am fairly new to the site. But Anyway reading all of this really hits home . I do Believe certain Deaths hit differently then others . I am talking like cousins, Grandma’s parents and so on . For me I have Lost all my Grandparents and yes I was heartbroken when they passed and cried . As you spend a great deal of your growing up with them . But when I lost my son at the age of 28 from a accidental overdose I thought I was dying as well. It felt like it ripped my soul out and he took it with him . I felt nothing for days I was completely numb.. we were on vacation at the outer banks and he brought a friend and left early to go home and stopped in Virginia and bought pills from some random person and it ended up being fentanyl. His friend took the same stuff but he woke up and my son didnt.. I am not mad at my sons friend. My son was a adult and he knew what he was doing.. I will never ever forget that phone call or the exact time I got it . Or all the events that happened afterwards . We were very close no he wasn’t on pills . But was going through a hard time in life and thought this was going to be a temporary feel good moment . But it was one that ruined my life as I once knew it .. I have heard it all through the years . People say you have 2 other kids and Grandkids and a husband. And yes I know what I have left. But I also lost a big part of me. And I am also the person holding all the people you listed together . But who is holding me together. Well that is also me .I write in a journal to my son and tell him about my day or big events happening . There are alot of times I just can’t believe this is my life. And trying to think what I did to deserve this . I miss him so much 😢. There are days I just can’t breathe. I remind myself deep breaths.. I know your pain is different then mine but I completely understand what you are going through many prayers to you and your family ..
Finding your videos, and by extention your site, has literally changed my life.
I married a monster when I was 20 years old, basically a kid, and he hid it so well for a while, we had 5 amazing, beautiful, sweet, perfect babies together. Unfortunately, right before the 5th was born, my world imploded when CPS got wind that he was hurting the kids whenever I wasn’t around, and instead of warning me and giving me a chance to get rid of him or get my kids away from him, they showed up with a court order and took them from me. Once I read all the paperwork and found out what had been going on, I put my own life in jeopardy to get rid of him; he held me hostage at gunpoint for 12 hours that night before a friend showed up, distracted him, and gave me a chance to slip out the door at 3 am and go to a friend’s where I would be safe until I could get him out of my house.
Once he was gone, I went home and proceeded to jump through every hoop CPS asked me to, and then some, but it was already too late; the rich, well known, well liked foster family had already fallen in love with my sweet, beautiful babies, and were determined to do everything they could to ensure I never got them back. Thanks to some severe corruption in my county, my own lawyer taking bribes, and possibly the family court judge as well, my rights were terminated in February 2024, despite me having NEVER abused my children and having done everything to get rid of the abuser once I knew.. and it broke me. Once I knew I was never gonna see them again, I fell off the wagon, and if it wasn’t for my now fiance, back then just close friend, I probably would have ODed or ended up in prison in no time. This time of year is so hard for me, not only is it the anniversary of when they terminated my rights, but February 26th was the day I stupidly married the man in the first place; and there are 5 more months of birthdays I don’t get to be a part of that are incredibly hard for me to breathe through as well. Finding you, watching your videos, getting my reading, and having my intention jars on the way have all brought me more joy in a couple of weeks than I’ve collectively felt in the last 2 years.
Your story brings tears to my eyes; I know how close I was to taking that same path, and it’s honestly a miracle I’m still here today.
Thank you for being a light in an otherwise terribly dark world. I’m so glad I found you. ❤️